Men see the “go” sign in the most innocent things!

We men probably read way too much into what are probably the most innocent things.  I’m guilty and most men I know are too.  It can be the most simple text, emoticon, or social media update but we are always thinking dirty.  Trust me.

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A perfect example of this is a social media post I read this morning.  This extremely hot girl that I know posted “you can bet your ass that the next car I get will have butt warmers.”  Pretty innocent right?  The poor girl is probably just making reference to the recent cold weather and how nice it would be to have this feature on her vehicle.  You want to know the first thought that popped in my head?  I immediately thought to myself, girl I’d warm that ass up for you right now!  Horrible right?  I must be demented right?  Well, yes I am and what is sad is that most of the males I know will think the same thing.  The girl knows she is hot as hell and here she is making a reference to her ass on social media.  My sneaky suspicion is that she wanted the attention, at least a little.  She could have simply said, man I wish I had seat warmers and left out the “butt” reference.

Another little known fact to most women is how the use of emoticons in your texts, messages, and emails are perceived.  By the way, I’ve never been proven wrong about this one personally.  Sometime ago I had a thing for this girl.  She was hot and we were around each other from time to time for work reasons.  I began by emailing her about work stuff.  After a week or so, the emails began to take a more friendly and flirty tone.  I was paving the way and testing the waters because she had a boyfriend and I wasn’t sure how serious it was.  A couple weeks went by and I was complimenting her body in her Facebook swimsuit pictures.  This entire time she and I both used emoticons but basically stuck to the smiley face.  All of a sudden, she hit me with a winking smiley face.  I knew I had her!  Let me clarify that it doesn’t mean that I tricked her; it simply means that I perceived that smiley face as her sexual interest in me.  Guess what, I was clearly correct.  By the way, I shared that secret with her after awhile and she seemed shocked to learn that fact.  She might have known or she might have simply been doing that subconsciously.  Either way, it was a message sent and well received.

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So ladies just remember that if you are actually not into a guy, beware of what your messages are saying about your interest.  I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule, but I have not personally found one yet.  Once the winking smiley face, the kissing emoticon, or anything other than the smiley face is brought out, we automatically think that you want the “d”!

 

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Maybe those “Open Marriage” folks have it figured out!

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I’m not dropping a new revelation here by restating what has been said a thousand times and that is that most men and women are vastly different.  The majority of our culture looks open relationships the same way as they would look at a dude with 5 legs.  However, if pressed to answer honestly I’d bet that most of the men would possibly entertain the idea.

Women (or most women from my experience) relate sex to love and emotions.  Some women claim they can’t get into it if there is no emotional connection.  Men on the other hand see sex as purely physical and primal.  This is why I believe most men would be interested in an open relationship.  A guy could have his emotional and sometimes physical needs met at home and give his lady all of the physical attention she desires.  Then they both could have other desires met from people outside the relationship if needed.  If the man needs more sex then he is free to go get that.  If the woman has more emotional needs or even more physical needs, then she can also go elsewhere.

After researching this it appears that being open and communicating with your partner is the major key.  I thought about it quite a bit this weekend, and I honestly think it is the perfect situation.  However, it would be more perfect if both partners only went outside the relationship for physical needs to prevent any problems.  Hell, I think it would be the perfect situation for me personally.  I could have the good girl at home, fulfill her sexual needs, have the emotional relationship with her, and then go outside to pursue the primal physical only sex that men want.  

Although I think this is perfect for me, I’m pretty sure I would be consulting an attorney by the end of the week if I were to even bring this up with my significant other!  Men, think about it and tell me it doesn’t sound great.  To me, sex is completely separate from love so it would pose no threat to the relationship.

Okay, I’ll stop my daydreaming and wishful thinking for now…

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Does it get any better????

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Before I got married, I was somewhat of a connoisseur of women.  Well, that’s my term but my wife prefers the term “dog”…  I never intentionally mistreated any girls but I did prefer quantity over quality.  After a few years of this constant drive to raise my flag in any available attractive girl around, I met “the one”.  After a few months, I could tell that maybe I shouldn’t let this one get away.  For some reason on an intellectual level, I wasn’t bored with this one.  So as Beyonce so eloquently put it, I put a ring on it.

At the time, I never pondered about when or how the desire to be with other women would subside.  In my very simple mind, I thought that some how magically, after I left the alter that all of those feelings would die down or at least decrease in ferocity.  Well, let me tell you that this has definitely not been my experience.  The desire and physical attraction toward other women has not decreased at all!

Please remember that this is a man’s honest view, and I’ll go even further to say that this is simply my humble personal experience.  I hope like hell that all other men don’t have to live with that constant urge.  Maybe I’m just a little twisted in the head and that is the reason for my slight mental anguish.  Odds are that I’m most definitely not alone in this but for the sake of mankind I hope that I am.

It truly is like the part in the movie Old School where Will Ferrell and his wife were talking to the marriage counselor.  Will goes on to tell them how when he sees a waitress he automatically begins wondering and fantasizing about what kind of panties she has on.  Well this is my life.  Pretty much no matter what type of female I encounter during the day, my mind automatically drifts to thoughts of a sexual nature and wondering what she looks like naked!  I know ladies, that is very encouraging huh…

Just last week I was playing golf with a group of guys.  From the outside looking in, one of the men is a 55 year old successful businessman who is very happily married to an attractive woman.  During the round the beer girl came by and let’s just say she is about twenty years old and extremely easy on the eyes.  Those country clubs know how to sell beer!  Anyway, most of the men made some inappropriate comments like always and this included the older gentlemen.  Later in the round I asked him about the desire to stray.  I told him I thought it would go away over time and asked him what I had to look forward to.  He looked at me and said, son I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it never goes away and to be honest it probably gets worse.

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Well so much for that part of life getting easier going forward.  It appears the constant battle between brain and penis will wage on indefinitely!  To the men out there, fight hard.  To the women out there, I’m sorry to break the news to you but yes your guy is most likely thinking about nailing whatever girl is sitting next to you, walking by, or just mentally if none are around.  It’s a sad, sad fact!

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The Wait is a Killer! Not sure how men did it in the 70’s!

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My significant other is preparing for her very first wax… And by wax, yes I mean a full Brazilian.  She has never had anything other than eyebrows done before so she is a little nervous to say the least.  I’m pumped because I love the smooth as silk feel and to be honest the female anatomy is beautiful to me and the smoothness allows better visibility!  Don’t get me wrong, I love it all but if I had my choice, smooth would be it.

The wait is tough to say the least.  By this, I mean to prepare for a wax she was told by the technician that she had to let things grow naturally for a bit.  I’m not sure if this is the truth or if the technician uses this as amusement and simple torture for the client’s significant other. Either way, for the past two weeks I feel like I’m watching a Chia Pet grow in real life.  Trust me, it’s rough.  For me it is anyway; I guess there are those out there that still appreciate a nice full bush but I’m definitely not that guy!

One of the many reasons I like it smooth is for the viewing pleasure!  There also is the factor that going down a smooth driveway is much more pleasurable than fighting through the brush if you know what I mean…  Saturday night things got a little hot and heavy in the bedroom and the fact that she was growing a full rug in her panties had completely slipped my mind.  So I proceeded to go down town since I love doing it as much as she loves receiving.  After reaching my destination, I discovered what had slipped my mind but I fought through it so it wouldn’t hurt her feelings.  Everything was okay, she finished and enjoyed herself and I came up with what obviously was carpet burns on my face!  All kidding aside, I had pubes caught in my throat.  I felt like a cat trying to get up a fur ball.  Yes, I know it’s gross but that’s what happens when you have to fight through the brush.  She thought it was hilarious after the fact and I did not join her in her enjoyment!

The wait won’t be long now before we’re enjoying much smoother pastures and I can’t wait.  Until that time comes though, I will probably keep my head above the waistline!  

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Life is NOT a romance novel!

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Am I the only one that is in a relationship where the woman is honestly expecting too much romance?  Seriously, my wife expects me to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, send flowers unexpectedly, and an hour of foreplay…  I may be exaggerating some but she does expect a lot.  All the while, we both have careers and a 6 year old at home to work around.

Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate her and don’t mind on occasion taking the time to do some of those things but I tell her all the time that life is definitely not a romance novel and I know of no other couple that does those things every time they are intimate.  

I think it all boils down to, once again, the difference between men and women.  Of course there are exceptions to the rule but in my observation, women are definitely the emotional creatures while the man is purely physical.  My wife has to be “in to it” mentally as she says.  On the other hand, I can get into the mood at the drop of a hat.

My incoherent rambling is basically a collection of thoughts I think to myself all the time.  Yes, ladies we need to be more thoughtful and romantic on occasion.  At the same time, ladies remember that sometimes it is hot as hell just to be purely carnal.  Sometimes it is hot just to rip the clothes off and f—!  No foreplay, no rubbing, no kissing, just rush right in.  Yes, that is hot.  Not just hot because we don’t want all the romance, but just hot because it shows that you are physically into it just as much as we are.

Okay, I’m done.  I’ve convinced myself to be more romantic on occasion, now if I can just convince her to be more physical at times!

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My Family is Crazy, Her’s is worse!

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Every time I have a friend or acquaintance tell me they are getting married, I always give them one piece of advice.  The biggest problem with marriage is that they have family too!  I consider this to be 100% truth and everyone who is contemplating marriage should be aware of that fact.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m well aware that my family has the ability to drive even the most strong minded person insane.  The issue is that over the course of many years, I’ve either developed a tolerance for their insanity or have possibly become one of them.  You learn which family member not to engage with conversation or if you’re like me you know which family member can be easily agitated and you use that info for your own entertainment.

Well this year like most of the others, we hosted Christmas dinner a few days before Christmas for my wife’s entire extended family.  We had no less than 30 people in our house and since it was raining outside, they stayed in our house the entire time.  The plan was for them to arrive about 3 p.m. and we would exchange gift and then eat around 6.  We were thinking that at worst, everyone would be gone by 7:30.  WRONG!  They left my house at 10 p.m. and keep in mind I had to work the next day.  You have no idea of the level of pissed off I had reached…  A few of her family members (including her grandparents) are extremely religious so out of respect for them, we normally don’t drink around them.  So picture 7 freaking hours of extremely loud and at times judgmental conversation, all while not enjoying the numbing pleasures of alcohol.  Yep, it was hell.

My wife knew I was going to be livid and I swear she avoided me after 8 p.m. because of this fact.  After they left, she said I’m so sorry I had no idea they would stay that long.  She went on to say, that must mean that we are great hosts and that everyone was simply having such a great time that time slipped away on them.  So, the plan for next year is to not make things so comfortable.  First, we will tell them to arrive at 6:30 p.m.. I will make the interior temperature of the home uncomfortable, I will find something slightly offensive to play on the television in the background, and yes I will be mixing drink after drink the entire time.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays and understand gathering with family is part of that tradition.  However, 7 damn hours with her family is ridiculous.  Hell, I don’t even want to be around my family for seven straight hours and I like them…  I’m sure I’m not the only one with issues like this, but it was fresh on my mind and I wanted to vent.  Merry Christmas!

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Does Oral Really Stop at the Alter?

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We’ve all heard the saying that when a woman says “I do”, it means “I don’t do that anymore” in reference to oral sex.  Now before you get your panties in a wad, I understand that women are different and there are still those out there that enjoy this act and continue long after the wedding day.  However, after polling my friends and going from my personal experiences, it does seem to be much more the norm that oral sex drops off significantly after marriage.

Wonder why that is?  Is it because the girl finally got what she wanted and now doesn’t have to work for it?  Is it because after marriage, a couple becomes all too familiar with the everyday unpleasantness of each other’s routines?  Now, they see each other in the bathroom, see each other grooming, hear the constant butt trumpeting, or even see the skid marks left in the toilet.  Is this the main reason for the turn off?  I’m seriously just curious.

I for one, love to be on the giving end so it is not due to a lack of reciprocation in my relationship.  However, my wife doesn’t like it.  I should note that my wife is ultra conservative in the bedroom (I should’ve paid more attention to that prior to engagement) and is the complete opposite of a freak in the sheets so to speak.  It is not a cleanliness or grooming issue either because I try to make sure those items are constantly checked off the “to do” list.

I’ve talked to husbands that their wives would rather give them oral than to actually have sex (seems to be a bigger problem to me) and those guys get tired of the oral and crave the intercourse.  This seems to be a “the grass is always greener” issue but I feel a good mixture is crucial.  There is nothing more of a turn on than to be woken up by receiving head or even getting road head is an awesome experience.  It seems like such a simple act and one that is not very time consuming to perform.  Women always want a massage or foot rub, well a bj doesn’t even take that long (excluding whiskey dick of course)!

So seriously, if anyone has any theories of why this occurs at such a high rate after marriage I would love to hear them.  If there are tricks that I obviously don’t know then I would love to be schooled.  

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